The darnedest things

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

People say and do the craziest things. Since we had such a cold winter, I said if I ever heard anyone complain about the heat, I would surely slap them. Well, I’ve got my dukes up and I’m ready because – would you believe it – people are complaining already. Usually they say, “I don’t mind the heat so much, but it’s the humidity.” Well, they say it’s hot in hell; I wonder what the humidity is like down there. Hopefully I’ll never find out.
When newfies invite you over for a meal, they say if you come over they’ll put on the pot. I was not familiar with this expression, so when my newfie friend invited me to her house and said she’s put on the pot, I was a little reluctant to accept. I said to her, “Look Jackie, I don’t mind having the occasional drink or two, but as far as the pot goes, I’m not really into that kind of stuff.” Jackie thought that was quite funny, and after a brief explanation and a chuckle, I did go and have a great newfie meal.
Did you know that there’s a law in Nova Scotia that forbids you to water your lawn if it’s raining? Wow, really!
People not only say the darnedest things, but they also do them. My brother Richard is a real sweetheart, and used to travel a lot between Montreal and London by bus or train. Unfortunately he was prone to motion sickness, and on one occasion when he was taking the train, he did get sick. He went to the washroom and threw up his lunch (maybe he shouldn’t have eaten). At the same time, he upchucked his false teeth. Well, he was quite upset, so he finds the train conductor and tells him that they need to stop the train so he can retrieve his teeth. The conductor laughed and said, “Sorry, once your teeth end up on the tracks, there’s no way we can find them.” In the meantime, the man is just howling. Needless to say, Richard was gumming it for a while.
My sister Joan and my brother Tom have always said that I was the naïve one in our family, but I think Richard shares this malady with me. Richard was visiting me one summer and many times my neighbour Gloria and I needed to go shopping; Richard would babysit for us. On the first occasion, Gloria and I went into town and Richard stayed home and entertained the kids. After a few hours, Gloria and I returned and – as we were coming up the street – we could see Richard and the kids on the lawn having a great time. I turn to Gloria and say, “Would you look at those guys having such a great time? I wonder where they got all those white balloons.” Gloria looks and almost faints, and says, “Oh my gosh! Those aren’t balloons; those are my husband’s condoms!” Whoops! He must have bought them by the gross because we sure had a mess of them to clean up. Where’s Casey when you need a photographer? Oh, that was before his time.
Thanks to Casey for taking me to the Huron Country Playhouse to see Sorry… I’m Canadian. What a great, hilarious show. A must see for all, especially if you’re Canadian. We certainly are a funny lot and I would hope we are proud to say we are Canadians.