Moms say the darnedest things

True stories from the front lines of motherhood

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Motherhood. What a great adventure it has been for me; I wouldn’t change my station in life for anything. Mothers come in all shapes and sizes – physically and mentally. My mother was a self-taught woman of her generation. Although she didn’t have a lot of formal education, she was quite smart in my eyes. She was fortunate enough to read and write, and she read a lot and became quite smart. As clever as she was, she used to say the darnedest things. For example, she’d say, “If you fall out of that tree and kill yourself, don’t come crying to me.”
My mother was quite concerned about conserving energy. She was always saying, “Shut that door. Do you think I’ve got the money to heat the street?” Sometimes I think she got a little confused. For instance, she’d say, “Would you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?” Oh yeah, mom!
As a mother, I had a hard time leaving my kids in the care of a babysitter or even in Tom’s care. I just couldn’t get enough of the joy of their presence. On one occasion, I went away for a day and left Tom in charge of Tommy, who was about two, and Glenn, who wasn’t quite a year old and still in diapers (the cloth ones). So I said to Tom, “You might want to give Glenn a bit of prune juice as he seems to be slightly constipated.” He says, “Yeah, yeah, go already. We’ll be fine.”
Off I go and have a lovely time. When I get back, I asked Tom how the day went and he says, “Well, it wasn’t too bad, except for Glenn’s condition. Since you told me to give him some prune juice for his constipation…” Yes? “Well, he liked it so much, I filled his bottle up and he drank the whole thing. First thing I know, he’s getting rid of his constipation and he’s got it all over himself, it’s in his hair and straight down to his toes. It’s like a volcano all over the place. But he’s fine and happy and I got the mess cleaned up, but I think you might want to get rid of some of the clothing because that purple isn’t coming out.”
My God, sir, he could have killed him! It all worked out, though (literally), because Glenn’s still around to tell the tale.
I hope everyone had a great Mother’s Day. Keep smiling and enjoy every moment of your children’s lives (good or bad). They don’t stay young forever and before you know it, they’re parents themselves. Vengeance can be sweet!