Legends of the fall

Advice from mom
By Rita Lessard

Fall – what a great time of the year. Not too hot, not too cold. Standard time is approaching and thus we’ll fall back an hour. The word fall is used in so many ways, for example, fall in love, fall out, fall from grace, fall back, etc. This column will address the physical act of falling.
Tom has had many falls in his lifetime. My first experience with Tom’s falling problem was when he was attempting to carry me over the threshold. Isn’t that the perfect time to trip and fall? I only weighed 105 lbs. at the time, so that couldn’t have been the problem. I ended up falling on top of him, and I think the fall knocked him out. I ended up dragging him over the threshold – there was no way he was going to get away from me. I was a little feisty even at that time.
When we moved to Huron Park, Tom would ride his bike back and forth to work or to the local pub and he sometimes didn’t get home in one piece. He was in and out of the ditch; I believe he had a balance problem. One Friday night, I was watching TV with the kids and we heard this big bang on the side of the house. Sure enough, it was Tom on his bike, so I said to the kids, “Your father’s home.” The kids looked out the window and said, “Yep, you’re right, mom.” He seemed to be fine, but I suggested he should either get his brakes checked or his eyes checked.
After we had five kids, we needed a bigger house, so we moved across the street to a four-bedroom. The layout of the new house was a little different. In the old house, the bathroom was on the main floor, but in the new house the bathroom was upstairs. The night before we moved in across the street, Tom and a couple of our boys decided to camp out in the new house (they slept in sleeping bags in the living room). It was Friday night, so Tom was a little tipsy. In the middle of the night, Tom woke up and had to go to the bathroom. Thinking he was in the old house, he made a left and then a right turn to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, in the new house, this was the way to the basement. He opened the door and stepped in, or rather dropped in, because the next thing he knows he’s falling down the stairs. I swear Tom has seven lives because all he got out of the fall was a bloody nose. He did manage to get back upstairs without peeing himself and went back to sleep, not going to the bathroom until the next morning. Amazing!
One more story about falling: my friend, who has false teeth, was out shopping in the mall one day and was checking out the cosmetics and smelling the various perfumes. Suddenly, she had a sneezing fit, and before she knew it, her teeth fell out of her mouth. As the kids say, wouldn’t that bite? Hoping no one noticed, she delicately picked them up and went about her business.
I hope you enjoy this nice fall weather and if you have to fall, do it on your knees in church, where at least you have padding.