Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

The most popular month for people to get married is June. I suppose people figure if April showers bring May flowers, then June will bring good weather that is neither too hot nor too cold. This is a good time to start a new life with someone you love.
It has been said that white is a colour that symbolizes happiness and good luck. Black on the other hand, would symbolize bad luck and unhappiness. I can understand why so many brides choose to wear white, so why do the grooms wear black? You’d wonder, wouldn’t you? Wearing earrings will bring the bride good luck provided they are not pearl earrings. Maybe the groom can get on this bandwagon and change his luck with a nice pair of earrings. Apparently, for every pearl a bride wears, her husband will give her a reason to cry. Great! After 47 years of marriage I find this out.
Most animals that you see on the way to church are good luck, including lambs, doves or toads. Even birds that fly directly over your car are good luck. It’s bad luck, though, if a pig crosses your path or bats fly into the church. Your old bat of an Aunt Gretchen doesn’t count.

Things we think we know!

• The red coral of the Mediterranean is actually blue.
• The grey whale is actually black.
• The Caspian Sea and the Dead Sea are both actually lakes.
• The Douglas fir is a pine tree.

Found in the classified ads

• Beautiful 6-month-old kitten. Playful, friendly, very affectionate. Or handsome 32 year old husband. Personable, funny, good job, but hates cats; says he goes or the cat goes. Come see both and decide which one you’d like. (Rita: I guess that honeymoon is over.)
• Amana washer – owned by bachelor who seldom washed.
• For sale: Cows, calves, never bred; also, a gay bull.
• Georgia peaches – Californian grown, 89¢/lb

Quotables

• Golfer Elaine Johnson once drove a ball that hit a tree, bounced back and landed in her bra. “I’ll take two stroke penalty,” she said, “but I’ll be damned if I’m going to play the ball where it lays.”
• Rita Rudner: My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Happy Father’s Day to Tom and all my sons who are fathers. To Casey – an honourable mention for looking after his two dogs.

The Grand Bend Strip and publisher Casey Lessard took home more awards than any other newspaper in Ontario Friday, May 14 at the Ontario Community Newspapers Association gala held in Toronto. Here are the results and judges’ comments:

Is mom stunned by the success of the Grand Bend Strip? Unfortunately, they only take one photo at the Ontario Community Newspapers Association awards banquet in Toronto, and this is the one they sent us. From left: publisher Casey Lessard, mom Rita Lessard, OCNA president Don MacLeod, and co-owner Anjhela Michielsen hold the most plaques taken home by any newspaper at this year’s awards, held May 14.

3rd place – General Excellence (best overall paper), circulation under 1,999
Note: Top marks in 4 of 11 categories, including Front Page, Presentation, Photography, and Production Quality
Judges Norm Park, Cindy Beaulieu, Kelly Clammer, Heather Thomson: The most eye-appealing publication in this class. No question about artistic quality and photo presentation. That is tops in the class. This paper also provides good, easy to read features with strong leads. It’s a home-spun feel-good paper with a professional flair.

2nd place – Photographer of the Year (competing with all newspapers)
Judge Bill White: Strong features. Some very nice lighting.

1st place – Best Creative Advertising (under 9,999) – ad promoting Casey365.com
Judge Wayne Aubert: Unexpected clean layout for the clutter of ads in a community paper.

1st place – Best Feature Photo (under 9,999) – cover photo from Parkhill fair
Judge Dave White: I think the photographer made some smart decisions regarding depth of field and camera angle to help us feel this child’s pure joy. The viewer is right there with her. I really love this image.

2nd place – Education Writing – SHDHS music trip to Chicago
Judge Richard Dal Monte: Great photos and a good idea going along for the ride on the band trip to the Windy City.

3rd place – Best Sports Photo – Hockey Night in Zurich dressing room photo
Judge Ron Scheffler: The photographer is commended for exploring behind the scenes to reveal a closer look at those who play simply for the love of the sport.

3rd place – Best Photo Layout – Parkhill’s Five Fun Days
Judge Joe Callahan: An uncomplicated layout and typography that allowed the photograph to communicate effectively.

3rd place – Best Rural Story (under 9,999) – potato farmer Marcus Koenig
Judge Jake Boudrot: Well written, well researched, significant local story, with a nice layout and excellent photographs.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Happy belated Mother’s Day to one and all. What a great station in life it has been for me to have the privilege and fortune to have been able to attain. I hope it has been as wonderful an experience for others as it has been for me. Being a mother has been a roller coaster of emotions, but for me it has been the best time of my life with absolutely no regrets. It is an honour to have raised five great and successful sons. Thank you boys for all you’ve achieved to make me happy and proud to be called your mother. This past weekend I was specially proud and delighted to attend an awards ceremony where Casey won eight awards for the Grand Bend Strip. What a thrill that was. Way to go, Casey!

As mothers, we don’t get much time to relax, but occasionally we let the housework slide and watch a game show or two. One day, I was talking to my neighbour and she was saying how her husband came home from work one day to find the house in complete disarray. There she was plopped in front of the TV. “So that’s what you do while I’m at work?” he said, smirking. “I just happened to have it on,” she lied. The jig was up the next day when the family was watching the prime minister giving a speech. As he stepped out of his car and waved to the cheering crowd, her son shouted, “Look, mommy, he won the car!”

As mothers go, I always considered myself a half decent housekeeper. I enjoyed playing games with the kids, so that was my excuse for not being 100 per cent perfect in that area. My friend, on the other hand, was a bit of a cleaning fanatic. The one Friday night her teenagers had a party down in the recreation room, and she was not too happy about the mess they made, so she made them clean it up. As she watched them work, it was clear that she was completely dissatisfied with their cleaning efforts and she let them know. Finally the son, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked, “Can I use this, or are you planning to go somewhere?” Wow! How brave was that?!

From Reader’s Digest:
All mothers have intuition. The great ones have radar.
Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.
Just be kind and good to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into the home.

Hints from Woman’s World:
Like to round off that gas purchase to a nice even number? Don’t bother. Adding fuel after the pump’s auto shut-off kick actually doesn’t get you any extra. The tank needs a bit of room for gas to expand, and any extra fuel evaporates into the car’s vapor collection system. What’s worse, it could cause poor engine performance. Wow, who knew? If this is true, it’s a lesson for me.

While you’re gardening carry a quart size spray bottle filled with a couple of drops of liquid dish soap and water. If you see bugs attacking your flowers, give them a hefty squirt and they’ll fly away.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

What’s with this weather already? A couple of nice, sunny days, and then it’s spoiled with cold and frost. Twice this past week I had to scrape the ice off my windshield. It’s half a wonder why people get sick when one day we’re wearing shorts and the next it’s back to the sweaters and winter jackets.
Well, we have to wear clothes anyway, but do you ever wonder why we do it to ourselves? Generation after generation of women has willingly exposed themselves to the high risk of pantyhose strangulation, girdle-induced respiratory arrest and turtleneck gagging. What kind of sick people punish themselves like this?
Men, too, continue to punish themselves. Just look at the necktie. Where did that idea come from? Perhaps from watching too many westerns? Some bright eyed designer must have been watching a hanging one day and thought, “Now there’s an idea that could really catch on!”
At least it stays tight. Contrast that with pantyhose, a nylon half-body suit that fits like a tourniquet but gradually loosens throughout the day until it folds at the ankle like ribbon candy? Not pretty, but we love it.
Spandex is another thing. I’ve seen both sexes wearing it, and believe me, I honestly think some people wearing it these days are seriously violating the spandex rules of engagement. You know who I’m talking about.
High-heeled shoes are another bad fashion idea. Backaches, bunions, sore feet, fallen arches, etc. Come on, people. Give it up! Sweats, socks, running shoes and sensible walking shoes are our reward for enduring decades of fashion abuse. Embrace them.
Bottom line is, clothes and other apparel shouldn’t punish us. I may be showing my age, but considering I just celebrated my 69th birthday, I feel I’ve earned that privilege. Even though people say I don’t look a day over 68, I am what I am. Thanks for the thought anyway.

Thank you to my husband, sons and daughters-in-law, my sister Joan, brother Peter and brothers Bill and Richard, as well as my friends Deb and Roy for the cards and gifts for my April 5th birthday. Your kindness is overwhelming.

Lighter notes
Someone once told me to marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so does his eyesight.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Overheard at Tim’s?
A woman walked up to the manager. “Are you hiring any help?”, she asked.
“No,” he replied, “we already have all the staff we need.”
“Okay,” she said, “then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?”

Touché.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Daylight saving time: is this a good thing or a bad thing? Whether it started in the First World War or it started the First World War, I don’t know. All I know is that we’re denied an extra hour of sleep. That’s not a pretty thing, especially in respect to my regular Monday morning customers. Most of them are a little cranky first thing anyway, so you should see them when they haven’t had enough sleep.
I think it all comes down to a lack of patience. They say the great thinker Socrates had a lot of patience, but I think Rodin’s model for the sculpture, The Thinker, had more. I have a lot of patience, but I don’t think I could pose in that position for too long. Brr! Get me my Snuggie already.
Most people today don’t have the patience for people who stand around thinking. For instance, when you come into Tim’s and you’re standing in line waiting to place your order, you’d think you would know what you want by the time you’re in front of me. Not necessarily true! Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s fine to be a thinker and stand around contemplating life, but the customers behind you don’t have the same patience as I do. Heck, it’s not as if I’m going anywhere.
I guess thinkers are a dying breed. At a stop light, when the light turns green, that’s no time to sit daydreaming or even thinking. When you hear that horn beeping behind you, you’d better get moving, sister! See what I mean? No patience.
There are so many places you have to stand in line and practice patience. In the bank and the grocery store, that’s a sure thing. For heaven’s sake, you don’t want to ever hold up the line thinking at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Geez, grab the check and go already. People have no patience when they’re tired or hungry, so quit your thinking and move on before you give yourself a headache.

St. Patrick’s Day
Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day, even though St. Patty himself wasn’t (he was a British missionary). For most Irish-Americans, this holiday is partly festive and partly religious. Many Irish came to Canada and the United States and brought their saint and traditions with them. In fact, today there are more people of Irish descent than there are in Ireland.
St. Patrick’s name is found all over Ireland, where it is used for town names including Kirkpatrick and Kilpatrick, and family names such as Kirkpatrick and Fitzpatrick. That name, Fitzpatrick, was my mother’s maiden name. Mom hated the colour green, and always told me never to buy anything green, but I couldn’t because green is my favourite colour.
The Irish, who have the shamrock as their symbol, believe good and bad things come in threes. Three tasks, three wishes, three brothers, three sisters. How odd is that? I come from a family of seven, and have three brothers and three sisters. Then mommy, daddy and baby make three.

O’Casey
Getting back to Irish names, sometimes Casey would upset me and I’d say, “Oh, Casey, stop doing that.” Guess I said it enough that some people thought his name was O’Casey, which is a great Irish name.

Inspired by the holiday
A man in New Zealand was arrested for setting his underwear on fire and riding through town on a motorized bar stool. The charge? Driving without a license.

A snatch-and-grab thief in London decided to see how much he could scoop from the display window of a jewelry store. But first he had to break the window, so he pried a manhole cover off the street and hurled it through the window. He grabbed the jewelry and took off running. He might have gotten away with this crime had he not fallen, you guessed it, down the open manhole.

They say you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but what are you going to do with all those flies?
Happy 80th birthday to Joan Smith.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

By the time you read this article, I will have started my Lenten fast. Shrove Tuesday, better known as Pancake Tuesday or Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday), will be the last hooray for me as I will give up the goodies until April 3, the Saturday before Easter Sunday. Forty days of sacrifice. By now my friends are accustomed to my habit of doing this and bear with me as my moods can change from the lack of sugar. Thank you to everyone for being so patient.
Chinese traditions
February 14 rang in the Chinese New Year, and this is the year of the tiger. To usher in luck and prosperity, the Chinese exchange money in small red envelopes. For the best karma, they hand out cash in even numbers, the number eight being the luckiest.
I really enjoy reading my daily horoscope, and I usually read Casey’s as well. A few weeks ago, I was reading Casey’s and it said he would do well in pursuing a career in communications, journalism, or photography. How freaky is that?
The Chinese horoscope uses animal signs based on the year the person was born. This is a fun thing; as you look at this lineup, you may see some traits that relate to you according to the year you were born. Enjoy!

Tiger (1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010) – Passionate, powerful, love luxury, and loyal to friends and family.
Rabbit (1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999) – Diplomatic, romantic, can turn a profit, and love to try new things.
Dragon (1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000) – Extroverted, like to learn new things, optimistic, inexhaustible.
Snake (1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001) – Great intuition, wise advisor, love live, lots of youthful energy.
Horse (1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002) – Determined, talented, encouraging, live in the moment.
Sheep (1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003) – Make friends easily, creative, artistic, elegant, nurturing.
Monkey (1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004) – Verbal, expressive, witty, enjoy the spotlight.
Rooster (1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005) – Outspoken, opinionated, confident, ambitious, can easily inspire people.
Dog (1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006) – Protective of loved ones, good with money, always lend a hand to those in need.
Pig (1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007) – Humble yet confident, honest, usually in the right place at the right time.
Rat (1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008) – Problem solver, value independence, have great people skills.
Ox (1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009) – Loyal friend, hate surprises, practical, tend to distrust authority

My fair valentine
Donna: He’s so romantic, every time he greets me, he starts with “Fair lady.”
Joyce: Romantic, my eye! He used to be a bus driver!

Happy birthday to my grandson Jonah & Molly McCann (March 4), Robert Peter (February 24), and my granddaughter Abby (March 12).

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Christmas has come and gone and, on the whole, I imagine most people were pleased with the presents they received. Some people are hard to please, resulting in the regifting concept. Every year, my mother disliked the presents my brother Richard and I gave her, which I thought was fine because by March she would forget who gave her the gifts and would ask me to take them off her hands.
Tom and I did were blessed to receive many gifts this year. There were, however, a few glitches. Tom got some underwear without a pee hole (the latest fashion, apparently) but they weren’t really for him. Nevertheless, he is keeping them, so good luck, Mr. Pee Pee Pants.
Tom also got one of those hearing aids advertised on TV, but apparently it doesn’t work. I received a car starter, which was quite exciting, but I had to return it because it didn’t have all the parts to install and would take an additional $200 to get it working. The rest of our gifts were wonderful and I am thankful to have such a generous family.
I had a customer tell me that the gift she gave her husband was a bit of a disappointment. She said she bought him an SUV, which made me think, Wow! That’s a great gift. That was until she said, “Yeah, Jack was a little sour with my idea. Who wouldn’t appreciate an SUV – socks, underwear and Viagra?” You can’t please everyone; try again next year.
I don’t know why we aggravate ourselves by making New Year’s resolutions. My resolution was to abstain from making resolutions. I do better at Lent, when I give up all sweets. It’s only for 40 days, so it’s easy to manage than torturing myself for 365.
Here is a New Year’s belief, Scottish or Irish. A tall, dark and handsome man brings good luck to your home, as long as he isn’t flat-footed. Similarly, the first person you meet walking down the road signifies your future. If it’s a child, you’re lucky, but if it’s a gravedigger, not so much.

Since Tom fell and broke his leg last month, I won’t be going on any trips this year, which means I can put my language lessons on hold. They say that English is one of the hardest languages to learn, and these signs seem to show that’s true:
In a Japanese hotel room – “Please to bathe inside the tub.”
In a Finnish hostel – “If you cannot reach the fire exit, close the door and expose yourself at the window.”
In a Copenhagen airport – “We take your baggage and send them in all directions.” Such honesty!

Amid the holiday rush, the Christmas airline traveler was curious and asked why there was a mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

Happy birthday to Mike (Jan. 24) and Glenn (Feb. 19). Happy anniversary to my husband of 47 years (Feb. 8). Happy New Year to my family, friends and neighbours!

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Merry Christmas to one and all. This is one of my favourite times of the year. Most people are happy and cheerful at this time as they enjoy the company and goodness of their family and friends. At this time, I would like to share some Christmas trivia with you.

I’m sure most people are familiar with the traditional 12 days of Christmas. The Aussies interpret the song differently; here is the final verse:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Twelve goanna goin,
Eleven snakes a-sliding,
Ten dingoes dashing,
Nine wombats waddling,
Eight koalas clinging,
Seven emus running,
Six ‘roos a-jumping,
Five opals black,
Four great galahs,
Three parakeets,
Two cockatoos,
And a kookaburra up a gum tree.

I’m not familiar with some of these words; sorry, I’m from Montreal, so I don’t profess to know everything.
Let’s kiss under the what???
Did you know that the word mistletoe is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning dung on a twig? Apparently it was thought that life could spring spontaneously from dung. Mistletoe groups on tree branches, and since bird droppings are commonly found on tree limbs, the words mistel (meaning dung) and tan (meaning twig) thus blend to give you dung on a tree. True story.
Hey, it’s not as if you’re eating the stuff, just kissing under it, for heaven’s sake.
Apparently the tradition of midnight mass on Christmas originated in the belief that the Christ child was born at the stroke of midnight.
These trying times
Christmas can be frustrating sometimes. My greatest frustration was hiding the gifts so my kids would be surprised on Christmas Day. This, I’m sure, didn’t happen as long as Mike was around. It was amazing how he knew exactly what everyone was getting. Believe mem, I would wrap everything and code it some way or other, and that didn’t matter. I almost think he unwrapped and rewrapped everything. Since I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer at this busy time of year, he got away with it for years until one day the cat was let out of the bag and I found out. From then, I took all the gifts to a neighbour’s house and didn’t bring them home until Christmas Eve.
If you have this problem and you don’t want to store your stuff at a neighbour’s, you might want to try this: use different wrapping paper for each member of the family. Gifts can be left in plain sight under the tree and no one will know which is theirs until it comes time to open them. No gift tags necessary!

Some people think that Christmas is like a day in the office: you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Happy birthday to my brother Richard (27th) and my son Casey (16th), and happy anniversary to Bill and Christine (15th).

Overheard (as told by my friend Frank): Things are still bad in the banking industry. The other day, a lady went to the bank and asked the teller to check her balance, so he reached over and gave her a push.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

My wonderful sister Joan treated Tom and I to Remembrance Day dinner at the Grand Bend Legion November 7. We had a great time and the meal was, as usual, superb. Thanks, Joan.
On Wednesday November 11th, Tom and I were out again to celebrate Remembrance Day. This is such a solemn occasion and I always get teary-eyed when I hear the sorrowful sound of the bagpipes and when I sing ‘O Canada’. After the ceremony, we enjoyed some fellowship and a great luncheon provided by the hardworking Legion staff. Thank you so much. It was just swell.

A free lunch
On the lighter side, I heard this veteran telling a story while on leave after a year-long tour of duty in Korea. He said that his first craving when he got home to Canada was a meal at McDonald’s. Much to his surprise, the cashier took on look at his uniform and refused his money. “Thanks,” he said. “Sure,” she replied, “we never charge bus drivers.”

Blind man’s bluff
I’m not sure whether his second story was true or not, but you can be the judge:
Two female privates are ordered to paint the general’s office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms, so they lock the door, strip off their clothes and get to work. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door. “Blind man.” Seeing no harm in allowing him in, the privates open the door. “Hi,” says the man, “where do you want the blinds?”

Roadside assistance
On a more serious note, if you travel or commute in the winter, it is worth taking a little extra time and make sure you have an emergency kit in the trunk. You might want to include the following things:

• a good scraper;
• snow brush;
• blanket;
• hats & mitts;
• matches and candles;
• canned fruits and nuts, and a can opener;
• traction mats;
• small shovel;
• help sign and Call Police sign;
• and jumper cables.

Now would be a good time to do this, while the weather is still nice.

Bumper stumpers
When I was in a variety store a while back, I saw some bumper stickers. I’ll share them with you.
I have good brakes. Do you have good insurance?
I may be slow, I’m ahead of you.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
Out of my mind – Back in five minutes.

Happy Birthday to Bill and Katie Lessard.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

I hope everyone enjoyed the Thanksgiving holiday. We were lucky to celebrate this holiday twice: once with our sons Bill and Casey, their ladies, our two grandsons, my sister Joan and my brothers Richard and Bill. Then on Monday, we went to London and celebrated with Tom, Connie, Christopher and Katie. We have so much to be thankful for, and I’m sure everyone is grateful and gave thanks on Thanksgiving.
About two weeks before Thanksgiving I was lucky and won the jackpot at the Tuesday night Bingo. For this I gave thanks everyday. In fact, I’m thankful any day that I can get out of bed and take nourishment. I give thanks everyday, not just one day of the year. Although I was overjoyed with my winnings at Bingo, in my excitement I dabbed my slacks with my Bingo dabber. But I didn’t despair because I’m always doing research for my column. I discovered that if you have ball point ink that you went to remove, aerosol hair spray will do the trick. I figured it would work that same way with the dabber ink.
Try this technique: hold a rag under the fabric to blot the ink that comes through on the other side. Aim and spray. Then, put the clothing in the wash. The alcohol in the hair spray is what does the trick. It will also work on your hands, leather or plastic. This really works.
Any alcohol-based products seem to be able to to double duty. For instance, alcohol-based mouthwash can be used for more than swishing in your mouth. It also keeps your plants healthy. Fill one part mouthwash to three parts water in a spray bottle. Spray directly on your plants’ leaves and into the soil. Works like a charm. Have a small cut you need to disinfect? Dab the area with a mouthwash soaked cotton ball.
Looking forward
Hallowe’en is our next holiday. On this occasion, I kinda go nuts with decorations and sprucing up the yard and house. I really need to be careful and not buy goodies too early because I usually get things I like and the temptation can be a bit much.
Here’s an idea: if you use real pumpkin for your jack-o-lantern, try sprinkling some cinnamon, ginger and nutmeg on the inside of the lid. The heat of the candle will make this combination smell like pumpkin pie.

Watch your diet
Since Hallowe’en can play havoc with your diet, one needs to be careful. That brings me to my joke of the week. Jim grabbed his plate and walked up to the party buffet for the fourth time. “Aren’t you embarrassed to go back for so many helpings?” asked his wife. “Not a bit,” he replied. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”