Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

By the time you read this article, I will have started my Lenten fast. Shrove Tuesday, better known as Pancake Tuesday or Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday), will be the last hooray for me as I will give up the goodies until April 3, the Saturday before Easter Sunday. Forty days of sacrifice. By now my friends are accustomed to my habit of doing this and bear with me as my moods can change from the lack of sugar. Thank you to everyone for being so patient.
Chinese traditions
February 14 rang in the Chinese New Year, and this is the year of the tiger. To usher in luc…

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Christmas has come and gone and, on the whole, I imagine most people were pleased with the presents they received. Some people are hard to please, resulting in the regifting concept. Every year, my mother disliked the presents my brother Richard and I gave her, which I thought was fine because by March she would forget who gave her the gifts and would ask me to take them off her hands.
Tom and I did were blessed to receive many gifts this year. There were, however, a few glitches. Tom got some underwear without a pee hole (the latest fashion, apparently) bu…

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Merry Christmas to one and all. This is one of my favourite times of the year. Most people are happy and cheerful at this time as they enjoy the company and goodness of their family and friends. At this time, I would like to share some Christmas trivia with you.

I’m sure most people are familiar with the traditional 12 days of Christmas. The Aussies interpret the song differently; here is the final verse:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Twelve goanna goin,
Eleven snakes a-sliding,
Ten dingoes dashing,
Nine wombats waddling…

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

My wonderful sister Joan treated Tom and I to Remembrance Day dinner at the Grand Bend Legion November 7. We had a great time and the meal was, as usual, superb. Thanks, Joan.
On Wednesday November 11th, Tom and I were out again to celebrate Remembrance Day. This is such a solemn occasion and I always get teary-eyed when I hear the sorrowful sound of the bagpipes and when I sing ‘O Canada’. After the ceremony, we enjoyed some fellowship and a great luncheon provided by the hardworking Legion staff. Thank you so much. It was just swell.

A free lunch
On the lighter side, I heard this veteran telling a story while on leave after a year-long tour of duty in Korea. He said that his first craving when he got home to Canada was a meal at McDonald’s. Much to his surprise, the cashier took on look at his uniform and refused his money. “Thanks,” he said. “Sure,” she replied, “we never charge bus drivers.”

Blind man’s bluff
I’m not sure whether his second story was true or not, but you can be the judge:
Two female privates are ordered to paint the general’s office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms, so they lock the door, strip off their clothes and get to work. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door. “Blind man.” Seeing no harm in allowing him in, the privates open the door. “Hi,” says the man, “where do you want the blinds?”

Roadside assistance
On a more serious note, if you travel or commute in the winter, it is worth taking a little extra time and make sure you have an emergency kit in the trunk. You might want to include the following things:

• a good scraper;
• snow brush;
• blanket;
• hats & mitts;
• matches and candles;
• canned fruits and nuts, and a can opener;
• traction mats;
• small shovel;
• help sign and Call Police sign;
• and jumper cables.

Now would be a good time to do this, while the weather is still nice.

Bumper stumpers
When I was in a variety store a while back, I saw some bumper stickers. I’ll share them with you.
I have good brakes. Do you have good insurance?
I may be slow, I’m ahead of you.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
Out of my mind – Back in five minutes.

Happy Birthday to Bill and Katie Lessard.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

I hope everyone enjoyed the Thanksgiving holiday. We were lucky to celebrate this holiday twice: once with our sons Bill and Casey, their ladies, our two grandsons, my sister Joan and my brothers Richard and Bill. Then on Monday, we went to London and celebrated with Tom, Connie, Christopher and Katie. We have so much to be thankful for, and I’m sure everyone is grateful and gave thanks on Thanksgiving.
About two weeks before Thanksgiving I was lucky and won the jackpot at the Tuesday night Bingo. For this I gave thanks everyday. In fact, I’m thankful any day that I can get out of bed and take nourishment. I give thanks everyday, not just one day of the year. Although I was overjoyed with my winnings at Bingo, in my excitement I dabbed my slacks with my Bingo dabber. But I didn’t despair because I’m always doing research for my column. I discovered that if you have ball point ink that you went to remove, aerosol hair spray will do the trick. I figured it would work that same way with the dabber ink.
Try this technique: hold a rag under the fabric to blot the ink that comes through on the other side. Aim and spray. Then, put the clothing in the wash. The alcohol in the hair spray is what does the trick. It will also work on your hands, leather or plastic. This really works.
Any alcohol-based products seem to be able to to double duty. For instance, alcohol-based mouthwash can be used for more than swishing in your mouth. It also keeps your plants healthy. Fill one part mouthwash to three parts water in a spray bottle. Spray directly on your plants’ leaves and into the soil. Works like a charm. Have a small cut you need to disinfect? Dab the area with a mouthwash soaked cotton ball.
Looking forward
Hallowe’en is our next holiday. On this occasion, I kinda go nuts with decorations and sprucing up the yard and house. I really need to be careful and not buy goodies too early because I usually get things I like and the temptation can be a bit much.
Here’s an idea: if you use real pumpkin for your jack-o-lantern, try sprinkling some cinnamon, ginger and nutmeg on the inside of the lid. The heat of the candle will make this combination smell like pumpkin pie.

Watch your diet
Since Hallowe’en can play havoc with your diet, one needs to be careful. That brings me to my joke of the week. Jim grabbed his plate and walked up to the party buffet for the fourth time. “Aren’t you embarrassed to go back for so many helpings?” asked his wife. “Not a bit,” he replied. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Did you know that happy people are healthier than people who are always ticked off or negative? Maybe that’s why I’m so healthy. The happiest – and healthiest – time of my young life was when I was in school, so it must be true.
Some of my teachers didn’t appear all that healthy. Take, for instance, my Grade 10 history teacher Miss Carter. Now there was a case of unhappiness if I ever saw one. I’m not sure what her problem was, but I assume her students were at the root of her unhealthiness. Seeing as history was a study course, and a bit of a boring one at that, most of the students weren’t too ambitious. I recall the one day after we got our test results that Miss Carter was quite upset because most of the test results were pretty bad. I’m not bragging here, but my score was the highest in the class: 65 per cent. The next highest was 50 per cent, so I can understand why she was frazzled. That day must have brought her to the end of her rope because she said we all drove her nuts and if we didn’t smarten up, she was going to jump out the classroom window. Being the class clown, I jumped up and opened the window. She was too stressed to notice my offer, but my classmates got a chuckle out of it. That’s one case where humour can save your life.

Casey’s advice last week suggesting students should attend every class was right on the money, but sometimes I think teachers would prefer parents kept their children at home. My friend Diane had two sons who she admitted were kids from hell; they never gave her any rest. We all lived in the same apartment building in London, and Joey and Junior were always doing something that drove everyone nuts. Joey enjoyed hanging off the third floor balcony, which always gave us heart attacks. Junior wasn’t a daredevil, but he must have had a bladder problem because he was always peeing in the apartment stairwell.
The boys were in school for about a week, and I asked Diane how the boys liked it.
“Not too bad,” she said, “but I’m a little upset today.”
“How so,” I asked. “I’d think you’d be overjoyed to get a bit of a reprieve.”
“Well, I am,” she replied, “but I just got a call from Joey’s teacher complaining about his behaviour in class. Can you imagine the gall she has? He’s only been back to school and already she’s whining.”
I asked why that surprised her.
“It doesn’t surprise me,” she said, “but what annoys me is that I had Joey all summer and I never called her once to complain that he was misbehaving.”
The poor woman had a point.
Teachers, hang in there and keep smiling. Some days have to be better than others. Stay happy and healthy.

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and was suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.
“My mother looked back once while she was driving,” little Jamie contributed, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

On Tuesday, August 18, Tom and I attended the annual chicken barbecue for the Crediton Zion Church. This event is always well attended, and a lot of fun with plenty of food and good fellowship. It’s so nice living in a small town, knowing so many people and hearing the stories about the health and welfare of the many friends one has acquired over the years. I find that a lot of gossip is spread at these affairs, and although the women probably hold the record for being gossipy, the men seemed to be just as good. As a matter of fact, I was listening to a conversation with two very humorous gentlemen.
“So Gerry,” the one man said. “I met Gladys the other day on main street.”
“Oh, ya,” Gerry replied. “I hear she hasn’t been feeling too well.”
“I don’t know about that,” said the other fellow. “When I mentioned that I had heard about her being bedridden, her reply was, ‘Hardly. I haven’t been bedridden since my husband died five years ago.’”
That Gladys always was a cracker.

Sports injuries
My best regards for a speedy recovery for my young friend Tanya, who fell off her bike and now has her arm in a sling. It’s so sad because she will be out of action for a while; there go her golfing and slo-pitch seasons.
My mother was quite active in her day, but wasn’t exempt from injuring her limbs. I recall the evening she had a bowling date and put her knee out.
This was a fluke of an accident. As she was wiggling into her girdle, she somehow veered right when she should have gone left, and snap, the knee went out of place.
“Darn,” she exclaimed, “this will never do.” Always quick thinking, she just gave her knee a good whack and put it back in place. There, good as new, and she went on to bowl the best game of the season. Feisty, that mother of mine. Lord only knows how she could bowl in that contraption in the first place. I guess fashion was important. Comfort must have been secondary. You certainly wouldn’t want to pass gas. It wouldn’t have anywhere to escape. Like they say, “Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.”

This week’s tips

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

“Hello, Complaints Department. Rita speaking. How may I help you?” This is my new line, and I feel justified in saying this because anytime there’s a complaint, it is inevitably addressed to me. Some people have an ear for music; I have an ear for complaints. I can live with this role, but sometimes the complaints are a bit much.
For instance, take the beautiful warm weather we’ve had in the last few days. Would you believe people are complaining it’s too hot? I swore in May, June and July that I would slap the first person who complained about the sunny weather. However, I’m not generally a violent person, so I had to restrain myself a few times. Enjoy this weather people because I’m sure it won’t last that long.
Working with the public I have people complaining all the time. I have one customer who gets a large coffee with four milks and three sugars, and then complains that the coffee is cold. For a few weeks this was an ongoing complaint, so I created a science experiment – there a science to making coffee – to solve this problem. The next time this order came in, I put four small milks in the coffee, nuked it and then give the customer a couple of take out milks on the side. Problem solved. One happy customer.
After many years of marriage, my friend Bev complained that her husband Ted was no longer as romantic as he once was. For instance, the other day she and Ted were walking through the park and noticed a young man and a woman sitting on a bench passionately kissing. Inspired by the way the man was kissing his partner, Bev turned to Ted and asked him why he didn’t do that. Ted replied, “Dear, I don’t even know that young woman.”
Some complaints can be fixed and others can’t. You have to pick your battles. Customers think I’m a soft touch because they always come to me or they’ll call and ask for me. This is fine because I lead them to think that the customer is always right whether they are or not. It’s much easier to make them happy by apologizing for the wrongs done to them than it is to argue and waste time. Replace their order and offer them a free donut and let them be on their ways. Easy night!
Some helpful hints on some common complaints:

• Keep counters cat-free – If your kitty loves to jump onto your counter, try this trick. Put a few aluminum baking pans on the top of the counter – the noise will stop your cat doing it again.
• My friend Sharon’s dog encountered the wrath of a nasty skunk. Her mother suggested she get a small bottle of peroxide, mix it with half a box of baking soda and a tablespoon of dish detergent. Brush this mixture on the dog and rinse with warm water. I hope this works. I just got this problem solver about and hour ago, so I hope it worked for Sharon.
• With the nice weather come the mosquitoes, and other insects. Pin a used fabric softener sheet to your skirt or clip some to the bottom of chairs and tables. The bugs will fly elsewhere.

Happy birthday to my daughter-in-law Christine – August 15th.

P.S. The next issue will have the results of Sharon’s dog’s dilemma.

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Last week, our son Glenn brought his daughters Olivia and Abby for a two day visit. Since Tom has been having trouble with his leg, he stayed home while we went to Grand Bend for a great time on the new and improved beachfront. Tuesday night we went to the Star-lite Drive-In in Shipka to see the latest Harry Potter movie. I have never had the chance to see any of these movies, so it was quite a treat.
At the drive-in, Glenn impressed me with his ingenuity. In the past when we went to the drive-in, we always had to put the windows up because of the mosquitoes and other pesky insects that would invade us. Before Glenn went to the movie, he bought some window screening, cut out the pattern of his windows, and just before the movie started, he taped the screening to the open window. We all enjoyed an insect- and condensation-free night with the breeze flowing through the screening. What a neat idea.
Glenn’s pretty smart. He also gave me a tip for my coffee-drinking customers. He said that in order to prevent spilling his coffee while he’s driving, he inserts the lid tab inside the cup instead of the outside, thus drinking the coffee as opposed to wearing it. I guess it works because I suggested this trick to a lady customer who asked for a straw to drink her coffee, and she said a truck driver told her that that was what he did. Who knew?

Gardening hurts your knees?
Make kneepads with newspaper. After you’ve read the Grand Bend Strip, save it and use it in this way (Ed: Mom! My precious paper!). Fold enough newspaper to make a thickness of one inch, wrap tightly with a cloth or plastic bag and seal the open ends with duct tape. Voila. Knee pads!

Outdoor tools rusty?
Metal tools left on a damp lawn or stored in a humid garage can quickly develop rust. To clean them, dip the metal portion in a pot of cider vinegar for 24 hours. Remove and wipe with a clean dry rag. Rust will come off easily.

Our society is too automated
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?

Found in The Sun magazine:
Pete was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “Why did the foreman fine you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Pete said, “You know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“Sure,” replied his friend, “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”

Advice from Mom
By Rita Lessard

Congratulations to my young friend Tanya, who has accepted a marriage proposal from her boyfriend Rubin. The happy couple will soon be out searching for the right engagement ring. I hope Rubin is prepared to spend a bit of cash. When Tom purchased my ring, it cost him $200, but that was 47 years ago and I imagine the prices have gone up since. And this is just the start of the money spending thing.

Made of money? Yeah, right!
Did your mother ever say to you, “Do you think I’m made of money?” or “Do you think money grows on trees?” Well, I always knew the answer to both of those expressions was no because there was no way I was getting money out of my mother. First of all, we lived in a poor neighbourhood with very few trees, and if you looked at my wise mother, you knew she wasn’t made of money. Not that she was cheap; she just didn’t have any. They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but my mother was no fool and therefore, there was no parting with her money.

Criminal activity
I’ve often heard the term drug money. They must be talking about the health care system, because if you don’t have a good drug plan, you’ll certainly be out of luck and money very quickly when you have a problem. Drug money must be pretty lucrative for doctors, now that they’ve become the best providers of drugs. I think it’s fair to say that unless you’re blessed with good health, you’ll need lots of drug money.
I’ve always been a big fan of money laundering schemes. I recall doing my son Bill’s laundry one day when I came across a $20 bill. Eureka! However, my happiness was short-lived after Bill realized he’d left the money in his pocket, shouting down the stairs, “Ma, did you find the $20 I left in my pocket?” What else could I do but reply emphatically, “Yes, Bill.”
Bill has always kept a good eye on his money. He’s very generous, be he ponders every purchase he’s going to make and seems to enjoy dickering to get the best deal. No fool, that boy!
Most people trust their money to the banks, and that’s a good thing for my son Glenn, who is a banker. I always knew that would be the business for Glenn. I recall a time when he was three years old and he had a dime in his hand. I said, “Glenn, give mommy that money.” He stubbornly replied, “No.” As I approached to retrieve the darn coin, he shoved it in his mouth and swallowed it. His first deposit! Who knew? He could have gone into the sanitation business, considering he was a devil to potty train, but I guess banking won out in the end.

You don’t know your math
Bill and Glenn seem to have a pretty good handle on the money situation; perhaps they take after me, because I can spend and save as good as the best of them. I remember when I was young, I was asked a math question: “Rita, if you have $2, and you asked your mother for $4, how much would you have?” “Oh,” I replied, “that’s easy. Two dollars.”
“Huh,” was the reply, “that’s wrong. You certainly don’t know your math.”
“Oh yeah?” I said. “Well, you certainly don’t know my mother.”

Advice for the week:
Having trouble sleeping? Try eating pitted fruit like cherries, plums, peaches, etc.